Modern Day Misadventures
by produkt
Summary: Through chance, an exploding xbox and some artistic license, Ezio Auditore ends up in the real world and finds himself indentured to a rough, misunderstood, pot smoking college student who takes advantage of his naivety to the modern world. However she is the only person who can help him get back home. Rated M for language and future chapters full of crude humor.
1. Chapter 1

Just a few warnings and comments before we set out:

This fic will likely offend people due to the crude humor that will be portrayed (not necessarily in this chapter, but in ones to come) and as said by Ted the bear, "If I have ever offended you, just know from the bottom of my heart, I really don't give a shit." This is mostly a crack!fiction but it's my style to make things realistic and do my best to characterize canons accurately. Besides its more fun if it's real and canons are actually acting like themselves and not teenage girls, that's what makes the weird stuff funny and not just blended into a background that is already full of awkward.

All the italian came from google translate and thus is likely very inaccurate, but unless anyone volunteers to give me accurate ones I will continue to use the translator and shamelessly never look back.

This chapter is pretty dry by my standards but is setting the stage for future crack. Sorry about that but have fun if you can!

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Her name was Joy but everyone called her Jo, mostly because she was never a joy to be around. The xbox must've presently understood that about her. Despite the hours it spent providing the college student with entertainment and despite how she left it on unused for hours or drunkenly decided the freezer was a good place to store it she simply could not allow the tired console to slip into technological death peacefully. It had been roughly two hours since the green ring had gone dark in the middle of _Assassins Creed:Brotherhood_ and the situation had gone well beyond the point where time of death needed to be called and encroached upon a perverse failed attempt at necromancy, yet here they sat. Girl and xbox, performing open console surgery while still plugged in to the wall. There was a reason Jo wasn't studying to be a doctor.

Lacking anything that might possibly be considered tools Jo poked, prodded, screwed and unscrewed about in the xbox's collapsing innards with a dinner fork. That was not to say that this was a task she was in any way qualified to do even with the correct tools. There was not an inch of this situation that contained any intelligence and if it weren't for the marijuana she'd smoked Jo likely would've had a much more sophisticated approach to fixing the xbox. However the twenty two year old had a tendency to excel in behaviors that were simultaneously self-destructive and idiotic, so anyone who knew her wouldn't have been surprised.

The truly surprising thing was what happened when Jo's fork hit something it obviously shouldn't have, and while the electric shock she received was horrific it was something that was due to happen and probably should have happened much sooner than it did. The surprising part was the bright, blinding white light that filled the tiny rundown apartment, leaking out into the Arizona night through her slatted shutters and then disappeared as suddenly as if the light switch had been turned off. Which coincidentally had a similar effect on the lights actually attached to switches in the rest of the building, going out just seconds after the flash generated by Jo's angrily short circuiting xbox.

The electrocution had caused her to pass out but only for a few moments, awaking to the pain in her hand, the smell of burning flesh and the sounds of feet stomping in the apartments around her and… some that sounded quite close. Though for a few precious seconds she just attributed it to the ringing in her ears and she was pretty content to just lie on her floor a while until a steel greave covered boot connected hard with the interior of her armpit as her arm had been bonelessly outstretched across the carpet.

"_Son of a whore!_" The girl exclaimed with a hiss of unreal pain, sitting up and throwing her hand against the throbbing pain shooting through her entire arm. Shocked and kicked to the lymph nodes, it was turning out to be quite the night.

Jo's reaction did not go unnoticed and was met with a quick response in Italian. "Chi è là?" A male voice demanded, reaching down to grab the arm of the shadowy girl whom he had stumbled over in disorientation, unable to make out his surroundings more than dark, vague shapes. Jo found herself hauled to her feet and nearly off them by that same arm that felt lifeless and burning thanks to the shock and being kicked in the armpit.

Her mind was reeling, mostly with thoughts of '_Seriously? Kicked in the armpit? Who the fuck?_' as she was pulled to her feet and shoved against the wall in a manner that was none too friendly and quite demanding. It all happened within seconds and only once she felt the hard press of the wall to her back was everything falling into line but the man pushing her against it was much more on the ball than she was. "Che posto è questo? Come sono arrivato qui? Chi sei?" The man demanded in a flurry of Italian that left the slightly stunned Jo at even more of a loss, not aided by the shake that followed the question knocking her skull lightly against the wall.

"...What?" Strange as this was, she was being held against a wall by a man she could only barely make out in the dark in front of her and she'd been lying if fear didn't blaze to life in her belly like a wildfire. "Get off! Get off! Get the fuck off!" Jo's aches and pains were suddenly forgotten and she struggled against the man holding her to the wall, kicking, slapping and thrashing like a fish on a hook. She'd always imagined that if something like this happened she would take care of herself, kick ass, take names and claim balls to encase in bronze for trophies. Instead she was reduced to a frightened nine year old slapping her attacker in the chest. In a chest covered with hard steel plates. That struck her as odd.

Luckily Jo did not have to put up much of a fight as the man holding her quickly realized that this was in fact a woman he was near brutalizing and obviously frightening with little reason and like a true Renaissance man, he was nearly appalled at himself for the mistake. He released Jo as though her skin were on fire and she bolted. Albeit in the dark, so she bolted and ran into the table that was in the kitchen all of three steps away in the tiny apartment, all but sprawling onto the piece of furniture and sending notebooks full of homework she wasn't going to do anyway slapping to the tile floor.

"Get out of my house! Get out!" She said, in more of a plea than a demand since all her guile and rough exterior seemed to be shed in this situation. Farther away now she could clearly make out the figure of a hooded man standing in her living room, speaking vibrant Italian she didn't understand in a familiar voice. "Perdonami signora, non so dove sono io qual è il tuo nome?" The man said, gentler this time, holding a hand out to the girl's shadowy form in an attempt to calm her.

Calm, however, was not an emotion that Jo would be feeling for a while and as the lights in the building came back on that fact became much more certain. Jo found herself half sitting on her kitchen table, staring at a middle aged man who looked startlingly like Ezio Auditore in his _Brotherhood_ robes, looking left and right in calm confusion at the marvel of electrical lights and everything else a Renaissance man might find odd in an a modern, if not slightly run down, apartment. Even though she had a significant amount of marijuana on board, Jo was not compelled to believe this was Ezio Auditore and instead just took the idea of a creeper breaking into her apartment to a whole new level of fucked up nerd needing a date and possibly willing to shoot up anyone who stood in his sad way.

Thanks to her brother and his slightly negligent concern for her safety, a long black police flashlight that doubled as a nightstick rested on her kitchen counter. While the man was marveling at the brightly burning 100 watt bulbs protruding from the living room ceiling fan spinning away, Jo reached for it and rushed at the man, taking an imprecise swing at his head with the flashlight that had been enough to give him a good clock to the nose but not much else, screaming for no describable reason as she did so.

"Merda!" The man exclaimed as one hand wind to his nose, sopping up blood and turning to face the girl, finally seeing the dusky blonde young woman as more than just a shadowy outline. She was tall, leggy, fleshy yet obviously athletic with a feminine, fox like face that had no touch of softness and wore clothes just as strange as the room he'd found himself in. A woman in jeans with a hole in the knee was a strange and foreign sight to the Italian, women in pants was not a common sight and the bitch had just hit him.

"Pazza! Calmati prima difarti del male!" Ezio shouted at Jo who clearly did not understand what he was saying and was coming in to take another swing at the man. He responded as though his body were liquid and the action were as simple as standing up, taking hold of her arm that was aiming to take another swing at him with the flashlight and twisting it, throwing off her momentum and sending her clear off her feet, landing flat on her back and hard on the ground.

On the ground and as vulnerable as she could get, Jo had the opportunity to get a good look at the man standing above her. This man was dressed like Ezio Auditore, looked like him down to the smallest of details, had all the armor, all the weapons, dropped her on the ground like she was a child and spoke what she assumed was fluent Italian in an unmistakable voice. She felt heart palpitations in every limb and extremity, the pupils of her eyes spiraling wider as she stared numbly at the man. "...Ezio?"

Ezio's head tilted in curiosity as the young woman spoke his name, and he looked left and right before taking a step closer and offering a hand to help her to her feet. "Sì, come si fa a conoscermi nome?" He said, his voice drained of it's previous irritation. The girl continued to stare at him, looked around the room as well, felt the pain in her hand and her arm and knew she wasn't dreaming, though did mildly entertain the possibility of hallucinating on the weed, which she had never known herself to do and certainly not on such a small amount.

The man sighed in frustration, understanding clearly that the two of them did understand a word of the language that the other was speaking. He gave his hand a shake in gesture, at least wanting to help her up. "Alzati, non voglio farti del male se non mi ha colpito di nuovo." Much more tentatively than was normal for Jo she reached up and took the offered hand, feeling herself hauled to her feet before her body had any say about it, a testament to the man's strength and made him that much more Ezio-like.

Jo backed away from the Italian, continuing to stare at him in stunned disbelief just as the door opened. She really ought to lock it, then she wouldn't have to worry about strange men breaking into her apartment. She probably subconsciously just liked the unknown of anyone being able to just walk in at any time.

"Hey, I'm bringing your dog back since he just pissed all over my carpet and you're obviously-" Standing in the doorway was a slim young man with a head of shaggy, loosely curled dark hair, wearing clothes that nearly drowned him with a black and tan chihuahua mix under his arm, emanating the vague smell of urine. Just as Jo was standing stunned, so was the young man, staring at the unmistakable form of a living, breathing Ezio Auditore standing in Jo's living room.

"...Oh fuck." He blurted.

Dually noted.

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Italian translations in order of appearance:

Who's there?

What is this place? How did I get here? Who are you?

Forgive me miss, I do not know where I am, what is your name?

Shit!

Crazy woman! Calm down before I hurt you!

Yes, how do you know my name?

Stand up, I will not hurt you if you do not hit me again.


	2. Chapter 2

Rated M for swearing, crude humor and not caring if either offends anyone. All Italian translations came from google translate and are likely incorrect. Have fun reading if you can and thanks for stopping by!

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The three of them sat around the small kitchen table in the minimal kitchen of Jo's apartment, two of them nursing wounds and one looking simultaneously disappointed and shocked. More than an hour had passed since Dusty had invited himself into Jo's apartment to find Ezio Auditore, alive and in the flesh, standing in her living room with a bloody nose and Jo looking half mad. Which was how Dusty looked as well, even though his scrawny frame and thin face had the propensity to make him just look that way. At first he had been disbelieving, as Jo had been, but after having stared, questioned, listen to the man reply in livid Italian there was only one conclusion. As Dusty had stated to his apartment-below neighbor, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be Ezio Auditore. So here they say, wondering what to do next.

In this pause of silence where Ezio blew snot caked in dried blood into a tissue and Jo picked at the burn wound on her hand, Dusty could not refrain is idle thoughts from being spoken. "It's really sad that you managed to conjure life out of an xbox and the first thing you do is try to bust his head in with a flashlight. The fact that _you _created life at all is pretty depressing too." He said, scratching his head of dark hair as he looked at Ezio who looked dazed and likely had a headache from all the effort of trying to understand the English they were speaking. It had been a miniature fiasco just to keep the man from up and leaving and finding a solution on his own.

Jo pointed at Ezio viciously, glaring hard at Dusty. "Hey, he punched me in the lymph nodes man. I'm probably going to get cancer for this so I get the whole Noah's Ark thing since I kind of want to drown him in the bathtub too." If he could, Ezio would have insisted that he merely stumbled over Jo but the girl was so surly and stubborn that it likely wouldn't make a difference. Jo leaned back in her chair, drawing her wounded hand into her lap like a moping child before grinning lopsidedly and half crazed. "You could start calling me Jo-sus." She said with a loud laugh and Dusty just shook his head, not stoned enough to find that funny.

"Seriously, what are you going to do? You have a forty year old fictional man that just jumped out of your xbox in your kitchen. It's really cool but I'm actually pretty scared."

"I was thinking of keeping him. You have an unhealthy relationship with my Chi-weenie and having a live in dog walker sounds nice." Jo's Chihuahua mix was stretched out on the cold tile floor of the kitchen, sleeping peacefully as he had just had himself a good piss all over Dusty's apartment during the black out.

"You can't keep him, he's not a dog and you don't even know how to talk to him."

"That's kind of the fun part. Like he just responds to everything in Italian and I have no idea what he's saying even though it's probably really serious. But all I here is 'Spaghetti! Pasta Marinara!' and shit like that." Jo explained in a dull tone except for when she mimicked. Ezio looked across the table at the blonde, eyes narrowed in something that seemed like mild irritation with a hint of amusement. "Sto cominciando a preoccuparsi voi due non stanno prendendo sul serio." Jo laughed and slapped the table with her good hand, pointing at Ezio like Dusty had missed the man sitting right next to him speaking in Italian. "See! That's exactly what I'm talking about!" She said with a laugh and Dusty put his head in his hands, rubbing his face hard before lifting it to look at Jo. "Seriously?"

"Oh my god lighten up you wuss and give me your phone."

"What?"

"Give me your phone." Jo said, more authoritative this time. Dusty balked backwards in his seat, knowing Jo well enough by now to be weary. He had even more reason now that she showed her propensity to make not real things magically appear out of abused electronics. "No." He said automatically, though rectified his answer because _why god_ he had manners. Manners didn't get very far with someone like Jo around. "What do you need it for?"

"To dig through your texts and laugh about how you haven't gotten any since last week. Just give me your phone asshole."

Dusty cast the girl a glare that hardly meant a thing and only served to hide how much he hated this girl who for some reason was some imitation of a best friend in his life. "I'm sorry I don't text like a valley girl." He grumbled as he took his iphone from his pocket and passed it over to Jo, well over the look of amazement that shot across Ezio's face as Jo lit up the touch screen. The man was impressed by everything in the apartment. Just as he was looking at the man an idea that was obvious yet had not occured to him till now due to everything else going on hit him like a freight train, but Jo was there to interrupt him before he had even started.

She had been typing away on his phone and the voice of Siri responded out of his google translate app, spewing out Italian in her respectable middle aged woman voice. **Il mio nome è****Jo****, ****la donna****accanto a me****è****Dusty****e****questo è l'anno****2012.****Non ho idea di****come sei arrivato****qui, quindi penso che****si dovrebbe stare qui****fino a quando non****capire****cosa fare****.**Dusty paused a moment, looking at Jo and feeling somewhat impressed. It was only once in a little while that Jo actually did something intelligent which was a generous overstatement at best. It was a worthy reason to put his epiphany on hold for a moment.

"What'd you say to him?"

"Important shit, just sit back and let me drive because lord knows a pair of pencil erasers are bigger than your balls." Dusty sighed, far less impressed now. It was amazing that in such a situation Jo could still be her casual, harsh, witty and bitchy self. He wondered if it was because of the traces of weed in her system, the recent electric shock or just her.

Ezio's eyebrows lifted and he sat up straighter in his seat. "E 'un pezzo di Eden o solo una tecnologia? Ho bisogno di tornare subito a Roma, mi devi aiutare o troverò la mia strada." He questioned though Jo held up a hand to stop him since there was no way in hell she was going to be able to spell all that out and get a translation from Siri. Instead she took to typing once more. **Non riesco a capire****quello che stai dicendo****, ma questo ****funziona****per ora.****Sì o no****, ****hai capito****?** His lips thinned into a frown before he gave a nod and a disappointed "Sì." Jo nodded and typed again.

**Va bene. Allora solo in modo da sapere, Leonardo è un omosessuale. **Jo could not keep the grin off her face and could not stop the surprise that exploded upon Ezio's face, causing his jaw to unhinge ever so slightly."Cosa? Come fai a saperlo?" He said before he remembered that this girl Jo could not understand him. He could not help but utter the understanding he now had of one of his and the painter's conversations, an amused grin taking form as he did so. "Ecco, questo è quello che voleva dire."

Dusty watched the exchange with narrowed eyes before giving a shake of his head and reaching out to take his phone from Jo, who complained with a sharp "Hey!" though Dusty paid her no mind.

"I have a friend that's from Italy so he has to speak it, maybe he can come translate for us."

"Since when do you have friends? And friends from Italy? This isn't Jersey man, we only have Mexicans here, are you sure you're not confused?"

"He's from Italy and yeah, I know friendship is a hard concept to learn when you spend your life riding around on a broom."

"Ooo, nice lame joke badass."

"Okay Jo-sus, let me go talk to him." Dusty said with a roll of his eyes, standing and heading out the front door so that he might talk on the phone without Jo in the background. That was a rule of hanging out with Jo, never be on the phone with her in the same room as it was one of her special skills to make a regular phone call a memorably awkward moment.

To pass the time Jo leaned over the table, crossing her arms and settling in to engage Ezio in a staring contest that he had not agreed to. The girl's hard stare and harsher expression left Ezio feeling increasingly uncomfortable despite how this girl that was half his age was far from formidable against an assassin such as himself. It was absurd and just made the atmosphere incredibly awkward since no matter what Ezio did, asking her why or to stop in Italian that she didnt understand, 'accidentally' kicking the table, moving in his seat, the girl didn't blink nor stop giving him that hard stare.

By the time Dusty returned he looked at them and raised his eyebrows before deciding not to even bother asking. He didn't understand Ezio and Jo only gave straight answers to him when she was hungover. "He said he'll come over tomorrow morning, I left out the parts about, you know, pretty much everything. But congratulations Jo, you now have an Italian uncle and since it's almost midnight and I actually go to class in the morning, I'm gonna go. Are you gonna be alright until I come back?"

Jo, finally deciding to move and blink with a smirk gave a dismissing wave of her hand. "Yeah, whatever. If I can train a chi-weenie I can handle my hot Italian uncle for a night." Dusty pulled a look of concern, feeling his stomach drop.

"Don't rape him."

"Shut up, he's a grown ass man and you love those games, you know he's a fucking ninja. Unless his brain like melts or something over night since he's not real. I don't know, we'll see." Jo said with a casual shrug. Dusty sighed, picking up his keys that had long since been left on the kitchen counter. "Yeah well if something like that or anything else happens call me. That's pretty catastrophic and I don't think you can handle walking down the street on your own, let alone that."

"Sure thing mom." Jo said dismissively, and Dusty took his queue to leave Ezio Auditore in the care of possibly the worst non-homicidal human being in the world.

**- Phone call at 3 AM -**

Dusty's phone buzzed across the top of his end table, rattling away until he rolled over and answered it, not conscious enough at that point to even qualify as half asleep.

"…Hello?" He muttered through the drowsy haze.

He hadn't noticed Jo's name on the caller ID. "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Ezio Auditore pees like a lady."

"…What?"

"Yeah. He had to go and he didn't understand the toilet so I potty trained him but I had to show him how. Now he pees sitting down."

"…You took a piss in front of him?"

"My cooter was covered, Jesus. I wore a long shirt; don't get your shorts in a knot. But yeah."

"You're awful. Really awful. Go to bed. I'm going to bed."

Dusty hung up hoping to sleep the memory of that conversation away.

* * *

**Ezio translations in order of appearance:**

I'm beginning to worry you two are not taking this seriously.

Is that a piece of Eden or just a technology? I need to return to Rome immediately, you must help me or I will find my own way.

What? How do you know?

So that's what he meant.

**Siri translations in order of appearance:**

My name is Jo, the woman beside me is Dusty and this is the year 2012. I have no idea how you got here so I think you should stay here until we figure out what to do.

I can't understand what you're saying but this will work for now. Yes or no, do you understand?

Alright. Then just so you know, Leonardo is a homosexual.


End file.
